SUPERBOWL XC (90) 2056

Posted: September 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

2056 SuperbowlThe NFL is changing. As the rules soften each year, the rugged game of the past is becoming a new sport altogether. Some make like the changes, others may not, but the fact remains that they are here to stay. Let’s take a look into a future pre-game broadcast of Superbowl XC in the year 2056.

HENRIETTA

This is Henrietta Walbeam your favorite news anchor bringing you up-to-date events at they happen in real time, asynchronous time, Einsteinium time or while you’re watching TV Next, we have a special report from Nathaniel Ellington, our lovely sports specialist, who will be providing us a special report on the upcoming 2056 Super Bowl … number 90. Has it been that long Nathaniel ???

NATHANIEL

Yes, it has Henrietta … and today the game is as popular as it was when it first started …  that would be Super Bowl I played on January 15, 1967 at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum where Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers played Hank Stram’s Kansas City Chiefs.  It was played before 61,946 fans in Los Angeles’ 100,000-seat Memorial Coliseum. The television audience tallied 60 million viewers. Today we have over 5.5 billion people watching the game as well as the commercials.

HENRIETTA

You know Nathaniel the talk about town is how the Super Bowl and football in general has changed over the years. And on this special report you’re going to give us a run-down of some of those key changes that makes the game the greatest game on earth today.

NATHANIEL

Henrietta, those changes have been a long time coming.  In the late 1900’s the NFL began to worry about the roughness of professional football and the long term effects on its player’s health. Long gone are head butts, diving headfirst into an opponent, piling on, unnecessarily hard hits, showing off after a devastating hit on the opposing player. It was time to buckle down and get things straight.

Starting in 2019, with concussions taking the front row of concerns, new enacted rules made each player wear foam pads on their forearms to protect players from getting hurt. Huge foam helmets were used for a short time, but research showed that unless the hard-hitting aspect of the sport was somehow curtailed, injuries were going to continue to be part of the game.

Soon after that, the rules changed so that no more than two players could tackle the ball carrier at any given time; and even then, the opposing player had to yell, “Hey heads-up, I’m coming on your left side (or right side.” This prevented ball carriers from unexpected hits from the blind side. Injuries finally began to be controlled.

In 2028, linemen rules were instituted that stated unequivocally that players were not allowed to weigh more than 233 lbs regardless of height. The next year all players had to weigh in at 198 lbs after a study showed that swimmers had the longest life and not one swimmer ever weighed more than 198 lbs.

But the biggest change came in 2036 when tackling or touching during a game was made illegal altogether. From then on, a player could only look at their opponent with meanness or with menacing grins, and if you scared them, they were required to fall to the ground. But if the menacing grins attacked the Libido, alter-ego or cast dispersion on social upbringing, sexual propensity or FaceBook status and made them cry then a player could get up and run again, but were required to blow their noses before re-entering the huddle. Kleenex dispensers were provided every 10 yards on the sideline for this purpose. Later that year, menacing grins were made illegal, due to emotional damage studies conducted at Montessori Pre-Schools in Melbourne Australia.

It wasn’t until 2024 that the landscape of professional football started to really drastically change. Alfred Henderson, a rookie tackle and a 3rd round draft choice, complained to the press that he was not allowed to get a drink of Gatorade during the middle of the 2nd quarter after playing two consecutive plays. Evidently, he got very thirsty and began to sweat. The denial of Gatorade made him feel very bad and ultimately hurt his feelings. The line coach was fined $60,000 and placed on indefinite suspension.

The NFL started to realize that to minimize injuries you had to not only curtail high impact hitting but there was an emotional element to the game to be considered. The words “offense” and “defense” were discarded because of their tendency to create emotional angst. The terms “It’s your turn” and “Now it’s your turn” were implemented with great success. In addition, many team names were changed. For example, the Minnesota Vikings name tested as triggering an above average sense of aggression, and the team’s name rightfully so, changed to the Minnesota Sailors. Anxiety in the player and fans plummeted.

Then in 2034 a group of HUMAN BEINGS FOR PASSIVE FOOTBALL” discovered one of the most insightful changes in the game. It may be hard to remember now, but the color pink was originally used with wristbands and towels to show support for women’s breast cancer. But, when the Dallas Cowboy’s uniform designer went to one of the HUMAN BEINGS FOR PASSIVE FOOTBALL conferences, she came back with the idea of expanding the use of pink to accentuate the “nice, little and cute” side of the game. She also felt that pink could expand the horizon of blue hues and accentuate a sprightlier and less aggressive sense of play. Pink began to become part of every facet of the team uniforms. Then Nike brought out the Pro Pink Panties in partnership with panty maker Cosabella, renowned for its celebrity fan base and its chic comfort. Of course, the pro football color palette expanded to include soft forest greens, shimmering turquoise, bright sunlight yellows, hot lipstick reds and muted lovely lavenders, all the colors we love and enjoy today on pro uniforms

The next hurdle came when cheerleaders were allowed to play with the guys after the 2045 season. As you know, the Pittsburg Steller cheerleaders brought a lawsuit against the league stating that if men can wear the Biatta Linear Essence Hipster Fashion Panties on the field, they should be able to play football. The case went to the United States Supreme Court with a unanimous decision for the cheerleaders. As stated by Hernando Garcia Rodriquez, “Zew no, picante hot sauce is not only for tacos.”

Since 2051, attendance and TV revenues has skyrocketed since the FCC has allowed commercials with full frontal nudity to be aired before, during and immediately after a game broadcast; and mascots and\or cheerleaders (who are not playing in the game) can expose their genitals, buttocks and breasts if done so in a coy manner. Pole dancing behind a cage is allowable only during the play-offs, but tipping is allowed.

The latest ruling that made the pro football turnaround complete is that the football itself will be replaced with a new type of ball. Focus groups felt that the unpredictable nature of the traditional pigskin disarming and unsettling for mothers breast feeding their new borns during the game. A nesting friendly replacement called the Relationship Ball is in its final design phase. The RB as it is called will have as its main feature the ability to tell players where and what it is going to do so no one gets confused over what intention an opposing player may have with the game, another player or a member of the announcing crew.

That leads us to Super Bowl 90 where the San Diego Chargettes will be suited up in hot marmalade pantsuits, matching mellow-yellow socks with make-up provided by L’Oreal. They will play against the notorious Atlanta Birdies who will have dove feathers attached delicately to their numbers for fashionable flare with gray specular highlights on their helmets to bring out the dashing black on white jerseys.

No one is expected to hurt anyone and that’s a big win for professional football. The game is about fun and everyone gets a trophy and pizza after the game.

HENRIETTA

Oh, Nathaniel, football has become a game we all love. Thank you for your lovely story … and next, after commercial break, a look at why cucumbers and tomatoes are good for distracting Alzheimer patients during a caregivers off-day.

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