Archive for October, 2010

THE POMPOUS PROPENSITY OF POOP

Posted: October 1, 2010 in Uncategorized

When I was a geeky pubescent junior high school student, one of the most challenging questions of life was wondering if good-looking girls pooped. I know, I know … this sounds offensive and juvenile. But, in fact, at that age I WAS offensive and juvenile … hence the question. It was also during this time that I had a head-over-heels crush on Molly Eberwell. Gosh! She was the most beautiful girl on the planet. Then, in a collision of mental imagery, I wondered if Molly Eberwell pooped. My eyes started to burn, I fell to the ground screaming for someone to help me to my feet. It seemed as hard as I tried,  I couldn’t conjure  an image of her sitting on the can.

Now, fast-forward a few years. I was happily married and looking forward to the arrival of my first child. When the child arrived,  I stayed in the background for a few weeks to make sure the baby got off on the right track. I soon had enough confidence  to help my wife out with the kid. So one sunny afternoon I told her to go take a rest and that I would take care of the baby.  As I reached out for this miracle of life,  I pondered how wondrous, beautiful and marvelous existence really could be.

About 15 minutes later I was disturbed by an aroma that made me literally gag. I looked around to see if a stray dog had left its mark on my carpet. Nope. I went to the open window thinking that Agent Orange had been unknowingly released on the general public. Negative.  I looked down at my child. It was smiling and gurgling, waving its arms and legs in the air with sheer delight. I rushed into the room where my wife was quietly listening to “NOTHING” with a huge Cheshire smile on her face.

“My sweet,” I murmured. “A putrid smell has overtaken our home and you’d better run to a bomb shelter so at least you and the child will survive.”

She opened her eyes and warmly smiled at me saying, “Silly, the baby needs its diaper changed.” She closed her eyes and swooned back into NOTHINGNESS.

Diaper? Change? What? How? I was blabbering to myself without a sense of how to handle this near catastrophic event that could cost us our lives if something didn’t happen soon. I had seen my wife perform this delicate operation before so I felt I could, at least, hack through  the basics. Then the moment of truth finally arrived. OMG!!!! I was staring DEATH itself in the eyes.

At this precise moment  my life-view was radically altered. From then on I began to see the whole world differently, more objectively, more realistically. For example, when I stopped in front of a red light and watched the people stroll madly in front of me, I realized that each one of them pooped … even the good looking hotties. Innocence was lost, Bambie was no longer my favorite movie … adulthood had reared its ugly underbelly and wiped my mind clean of chaste views of our modern world.

I continued to evolve and mature over the years until I unexpectedly relapsed into pubescence one fateful evening. I was sitting with a group of friends around dinner discussing the normal things like children, health, politics, religion, technology when the subject turned to colon cleansing. OMG!!!! I slammed my hands over my ears until my wife softly whispered that if we didn’t poop we would not be healthy. OMG!!!! Then she calmly  told me to take my hands away from my ears because I was causing a scene at dinner.

Poop? Healthy? … Now, you may think I remained stuck in my naive perspective on the functioning of our body. Not so. I was cleaning out my garage one day when I came across an assortment of old and outdated tech gadgets … an old Zip Drive, a box of 3 1/4″ floppy disks, a Rio MP3 player (still in its original packaging), a 56k baud modem and 5 mobile phones in various sizes. I murmured to myself, “These are all crap!” Hey wait a minute. Crap! Could it be that technology also needs to get rid of its crap to keep new innovation moving forward. I was on to something.

At the beginning of the automobile industry around 1900 (plus or minus) there were hundreds of wannabe automobile manufacturers. Then all but a few vanished. At the beginning of the personal computer age there were dozens of computer manufacturers until only a few remained. Could it be that at each successive age of human development there’s a bunch of crap that happens before the winner finally emerges? I think so. In essence, our social condition needs to create a bunch of crap so it can create the good stuff. Then, in turn, that “good stuff” becomes crap so that newer good stuff emerges, and so on and so on. Crap is the essence of innovation and technological advancement. We need to generate crap. It’s our human way of becoming … well … generators of more crap that helps us become more modern, productive and communicative human beings.

Then, suddenly, as I was going through my personal crap, I ran across my old junior high yearbook. I started thumbing through it and ran across a picture of Molly Eberwell! My heart starting palpitating and I got short of breath. Love pangs pulsated through my whole body … when … all of a sudden … I pictured Molly Eberwell sitting on the can …  OMG!!!! My eyes … they’re burning … HELP! I’ve fallen and can’t get up!!!!!